I Miss My Dad

I thought I had 10 more years. He was still so vibrant. When my Dad had a heart attack on February 24, 2024, I couldn't believe it. I had time to prepare for my mom's death as she battled cancer for two years. This sudden death while on vacation was a shock. There were no goodbyes.

Part of me is relieved that he did not suffer. I had asked God to spare him of the suffering I witnessed my mom endure. I got my wish. But, if I am being honest, I am still waiting for him to return from wintering in Florida. Shock and grief are a dynamic duo. Some days I am ok, other days, I feel almost paralyzed by fatigue and my storm of emotions.

I wrote in my journal last week on my dad's birthday that I feel like I am trudging through wet cement at times; that I want to shut down. I was finally cruising along after my mom's death. Now, I feel slightly stalled. I feel like I need a jump start to get going again. I am trying to be gentle with myself daily.

If you know me, you know I am a medium and can connect to my parents. Perhaps you are thinking,

"Well, just talk to him."

I have, but I must tell you that I still miss them so much. It isn't the same.

This week I touched my Highlander's screen with the square that says Dad and immediately caught myself. I tried to blend in the car to feel him, but my grief is still thick and sometimes makes it hard to connect.

My inner critic says, "you should be able to fix this."

My loving, grace-filled self says, "you can't. It is grief, disappointment, heartache and sadness."

And so, I let it be what it is in my body. I give myself sessions, I do gentle movement, I walk when I have the energy to haul my bones, but most of the time, I quietly rest.

Perhaps you can identify with the weight of grief and an immense feeling of lack of control. It is strange to want to move on, be spirited, excited, happy and my sparking self and feel like a wet campfire blanket. I am accepting that I am both. I don't want to store the feelings. I want to let them pass through me and honor them. Feelings don't last forever unless we supress and store them.

This both/and is the human journey. I am not just one feeling all the time. I can be all in one day. I breathe and let go as gently as I can.

I know as a medium, I have the gift of connecting to my parents now in the after-life, but I still miss the physical version of them. I want to make them dinner, play cards, laugh, share what's going on in my life and my daughters' lives. I want to have them sit next to me at choir concerts and graduations, and I want to celebrate birthdays together. Longing and ruminating fill me at times. Humaning can be so hard.

This is the human journey, the struggle to be present in what is. It is only my mind that makes me unhappy. Right now, in this moement, all is well. I am learning to be more present, to feel my feelings, to ask my parents to comfort me, to meet them in the quiet again and again. I know it is normal for my mind to protest what is because I want what is familiar, my parents.

Do you know how this feels? Does your mind take you from the current calm and quiet, to in a different time, or place even though it brings you sadness and pain? I bet you do. You aren't alone even though it feels lonely in that space. We are each having an experience that includes grief. It is a thread in the collective human story around the dicotomy of grief and joy, connection and loss.

Most days, I choose a new thought to pull myself out of ruminating. I quiet my mind into the present by allowing myself to cry as I honor my feelings. Then, I try to move forward. It is a daily choice to let go, to be present in what is. I know my parents and grandparents are here. I ask them to fill me with their love. I breathe and gently take in their comfort.

If you are dragging, ruminating and struggling with grief, my heart extends comfort to you. I know it feels lonely, but try asking for support as I do. Let your loved ones fill you with their love and peace. Rest in it. Bask in their energy. Then from that space, try summonings a happy memory and feel grateful that your love exists. It is a way forward. For me, it is the only way forward.